


The Stilinski Files

by Lyzzybelle



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crack Fic, Inspired by The Spellman Files, Private Investigators
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 00:24:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6172678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyzzybelle/pseuds/Lyzzybelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Stiles' mom is a P.I. and doesn't mind honing her investigative skills on her family.<br/>OR<br/>How Claudia's profession changes a lot of things for Beacon Hills.</p>
<p>Crack fic!  Prompts welcome (includes pack and  pre-slash Sterek).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Stilinski Files

**Stiles is 4 (almost 5); Scott is 5**

 

DATE: 05 May 2001, 11:18 AM

SUSPECT #1: Genim “Stiles” Stilinski

SUSPECT #2: Scott “Scooter” McCall

PLACE:  Breakfast Nook, at 2014 Ridgemont Road, Beacon Hills CA

INVESTIGATION (AND TRANSCRIPTION): Claudia Stilinski

 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI:  I am obligated to tell you that this conversation is being recorded and anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law.

SCOTT MCCALL: Court of _Law_?  Awesome! (turns to Suspect #1) Your mom is so cool.

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Thank you, Scott.

SCOTT MCALL: You are welcome Ms. Stilinski.  But I am not Scott, I am Scooter now.  Stiles changed his name to Stiles and I changed mine to Scooter. 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Let the record show that Scott McCall has chosen the nickname “Scooter” after Genim decided his own name was inadequate and declared two days ago that he is now and forever to be referred to as “Stiles”.

SCOOTER MCCALL: _So_ cool. 

~~GENIM~~ STILES STILINSKI: Mom, is this really necessary? (heavy sigh). When you type the transcripts, please remember to refer to me as Stiles. 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: So noted.  Now, let me recap the events of…48 minutes ago.  At exactly 10:30 AM this morning I pulled a batch of chocolate chunk cookies from the oven and placed them on the stove to cool. 

SCOTTER MCCALL: They smelled delicious Ms. Stilinski.  

CLAUDIA STILINKSI: Thank you, sweetie. They are your favorite, aren’t they?

STILES STILINSKI: Don’t say anything Scooter. It’s a trap.

SCOOTER MCCALL: This is fun!  I wish my mom would do ‘terrogashuns at my house.

(Let the record show that a loud “thunk” sound is heard on the recording because Genim “Stiles” Stilinski is a drama-queen and has plunked his head on the kitchen table in what can one only assume is in disbelief.)

STILES STILINSKI: No, Scooter, you really don’t. 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI:  Hmmm.  Scott -I mean Scooter. Can I show you a few photos?

STILES STILINSKI: Pictures? That’s not fair. You didn’t say you had pictures! You’re supposed to tell us that you had pictures first mom!  

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: I believe that the conversation that took place two minutes prior to this one negates my need to disclose that I had photographic proof of the crime.

 

* * *

(Excerpt from Scott and Stiles: Preliminary Interview #26 05 May 2001 11:16 AM)

 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: There are six cookies missing from the counter.  Scott - do you know what happened to them?

SCOTT MCCALL: Nope.  

CLAUDIA STILLINKSI: I see. Genim, do you know what happened to the cookies?

GENIM STILINSKI: Mo-om.  It’s _Stiles_.  Stiles Stilinski. 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Yes, I meant Stiles.  Stiles, do you know what happened to the cookies?

GENIM STILINSKI: Nope.  

CLAUDIA STILINSKI:  Have a seat, boys.

SCOTT MCCALL:  Why is your mom smiling like that?

GENIM STILINSKI: Crap.  (whispers) She’s got nothin’ on us Scooter.

SCOTT MCCALL: (whispers) What is going to happen.

GENIM STILINSKI: (whispers) Just an ‘terrogashun.  It happens sometimes. 

SCOTT MCCALL: Your mom is so cool. I wish my mom would do ‘terrogashuns.

GENIM STILINSKI: I thought all moms did ‘terrogashuns. 

SCOTT MCCALL: Stiles?

GENIM STILINSKI: Yeah, Scooter?

SCOTT MCCALL: What’s a ‘terrogashun?

(**END TRANSCRIPT**)

(cc of transcript submitted to Melissa McCall on 05 May 2011 at 6:28 PM.)

* * *

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: There you have it.  Let the record show that at no time during the preliminary interview did the suspects request evidence to support the accusation.

SCOOTER MCCALL: Dude, I have no idea what your mom is saying.

STILES STILINSKI: … 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: I hold in my hand three photos. But, I will give you boys one last chance to recant.

STILES STILINSKI: …

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: (places first photo on the table.)  Exhibit #1 – note the position of the kitchen chair. Is it at the table, where we now sit? No, it appears as if someone moved the chair from the table to the counter.  Scooter, I know you are very smart…

STILES STILINSKI: Don’t fall for it…

SCOOTER MCCALL: Thanks Ms. Stilinski. 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Stiles, hush.  You’re welcome, sweetie. Can you guess why someone would need to move a chair from the kitchen table to the counter?

SCOOTER MCCALL: Ummm. My mom moves chairs and stands on ‘em when she needs to take money out of the coffee can she keeps on top of the fridge.

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Very good sweetie. You are right. Chairs are often used when one is not tall enough to reach a surface.

STILES STILINSKI: So a chair was moved. Big Deal.

SCOOTER MCCALL: (whispers) ummm. Why is your mom smiling like that?

STILES STILLINKI: (mutters) Crap.

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Exhibit  #2. This is a photograph of a brown smudge on the cabinet door. The same cabinet door, I might add, that is located exactly under the counter where the sheet of Chocolate Chunk cookies were cooling. Note how the smudge appears to look exactly like a smear of melted chocolate.

SCOOTER MCCALL: (whispers) Stiles, do you think your mom knows…

STILES STILINSKI: This is all sir…sir’stan..sir’stanchul –

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: I think you mean ‘circumstantial’ honey.

SCOOTER MCCALL: What’s sir’stanchul mean?

STILES STILINSKI: It means she’s just guessing.

SCOOTER MCCALL: (whispers) ummm. Stiles, why is your mom smiling like that?

STILES STILINSKI: (mutters) Crap.

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Exhibit # 3. A photograph of two boys – one Genim “Stiles” Stilinski, age four years and ten months and one Scott “Scooter” McCall, age five years and three weeks. 

 

* * *

 The following is an excerpt from Scott and Stiles: Preliminary Interview #25 05 May 2001 11:15 AM

 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Boys, can you both come downstairs for a moment.

GENIM STILINSKI: Coming Mom.

(Let the record show that two kindergarten age children sound like a stampede of elephants when running down stairs.) 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Well aren’t you two a pair. Been having a lot of fun this morning?

GENIM STILINSKI: Yep.

SCOTT MCCALL: I always have fun at your house Ms. Stilinski!

GENIM STILINSKI: Did you need something, mom?

(Let the record show that, at that time, Claudia Stilinski held up the family Polaroid Camera).

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Smile for the Camera, boys!

SCOTT MCCALL: (whispers) ummm. Stiles? Why is mom smiling like that?

GENIM STILINSKI: (mutters) I think we are about to find out.

*END TRANSCRIPT*

* * *

  

CLAUDIA STILINSKI (continues): Note, that in the photo, the clock behind you reflects the time as 11:15 AM on the morning of 05 May 2001.  Let the record show that said photograph shows both boys have a substantial amount of chocolate around their mouths.

(Both boys turn toward each other and point to the other’s chocolate smeared mouths.)

STILES STILINSKI: (mutters) Crap. 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: So, boys, you have been caught out –

STILES STILINSKI: But Mom-

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Genim Stilinski, do not interrupt me!

STILES STILINSKI: Yes ma’am. 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: As I was saying…

(Let the record show, that at that moment, the interrogation was interrupted by one Sheriff John G. Stilinski, age 34.)

SHERIFF STILINSKI: Claudia, do you know where… 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: John, dear. I am disappointed in you.

SHERIFF STILINSKI: Wha--? 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI:  Smile John.  (A mechanical _whirring_ sound is heard on the recording, which this investigator identifies as the sound of a photo being taken by a polaroid camera).

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: (continues): John, I am obligated to tell you that this conversation is being recorded and anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. Tell me John, were you aware that six chocolate chunk cookies disappeared from the cookie tray this morning at approximately 11:00 AM this morning, 05 May 2001?

SCOOTER MCCALL: He gave them to us Ms. Stilinski!  Stiles and I were talking about how good they smell’d and I said ‘Your mom makes the best cookies’ to Stiles and he agreed but he said that we had to wait and ask you. Then Mr. Stilinski came in and he said that we should all enjoy a treat, that your cookies are much too good to wait for. So, Mr. Stilinski helped us drag’d the chair over so we could take some, but we had to give three cookies to him too. And we did Ms. Stilinski! 

SHERIFF STILINSKI: (mutters) crap. 

CLAUDIA STILINSKI: Contributing to the delinquency of minors, John? Boys, go upstairs and wash your faces, you are excused from this interrogation.

(*END TRANSCRIPT*)

(For more information refer to John Stilinski – Interrogation # 123)

* * *

 

A/N: I can’t draw, but I wish I could because I would love to have inserted three drawings of photographs – the moved chair, the chocolate smudge and the photo of the two boys with chocolate smears on their mouths. And a fourth one of John, a smudge of chocolate on the corner of his chin and a surprised look on his face. This made me giggle just writing it.  I want to write more of these but need some prompts! 


End file.
